Category Archives: Jordan

My Mother’s Day Gift

So some people might think that this is a little weird. That’s okay, I’m going to tell you anyway.

When my husband asked me last week what I wanted for Mother’s Day I told him, “Honestly the only thing I really want is a copy of Jordan’s ultrasound.” Jordan was my first pregnancy that I later miscarried. It was a blighted ovum, but we named the baby anyway.

During the miscarriage I had asked several times for a copy of the ultrasound they did the day they told me I was losing the baby. I asked clerks, I asked the OB directly…every time I got the run around. I don’t think they understood what I even wanted it for. To them it was just a picture of an empty sac…and a medical record. But to me, that sac represented my baby. My baby that we had tried 4 ½ years for. Yes, the sac was empty…but that ultrasound was the closest thing to a picture of my baby that I would ever get. I’d pretty much given up hope of getting a copy of it and the thought of asking for it again just stressed me out.

On Wednesday I went shopping with my sister for the day. When I got home hubby wanted to run out and deposit his paycheck. When he got back he handed me the receipt for the deposit and a small manila envelope with his name on it. “What is this?” I asked him. “I don’t know. Open it.” “But it has your name on it. Is this from the credit union?” I asked while I was opening it. “I don’t know, just open it.” I finally opened it up and in there were three copies of the ultrasound 🙂 I thanked him and I teared up and asked him several times “How did you get this?!” and he kept responding, “I’ve got connections.” And to spare you the details…he does have connections 😉

The first two images were during the regular abdominal ultrasound. The sac is the dark ovular hole on the left. The larger hole above it I believe is my bladder.

This image was during the transvaginal ultrasound, again the dark ovular hole in the center is the sac. I was supposed to be 11 weeks and 3 days along, but the sac was empty (blighted ovum 😦 ) and was measuring at only 6 weeks.

So that’s the story about how a 3 ½ year old ultrasound of an empty sac is the best Mother’s Day gift that I could get :).

Happy Mother’s Day!

Related Posts:
*My First Pregnancy
*My Miscarriage
*Spring Ahead: Reflections on Miscarriage
*Celebrate Your Name Week: Jordan: Why we named the baby we miscarried
*Our Infertility Story
*Childless Mother: Infertility Poem

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Spring Ahead: Reflections on Miscarriage

I wrote and posted this article last year on 3/14/2009 on a personal blog that I decided not to continue. Since I never did anything with that blog and no one got to read it I decided to repost it here. I edited a few things to reflect the passage of time, otherwise the text is unaltered.

March 14, 2009 was the due date for our first baby. I had a miscarriage on August 28, 2008 at 11 weeks and 5 days. During the pregnancy we called the baby Biddle. In 2009 on the baby’s due date I wanted to give the baby a name, just as we would have if he/she would’ve been born that day. We named our baby Jordan Shiloh. If he/she had survived Jordan would be two years old now (although likely with a different name). These “anniversaries” are difficult for me. They are marked with sadness for obvious reasons…but they are also very lonely. No one else remembers Jordan’s due date or miscarriage date or the date we found out that I was pregnant (July 5, 2008). I do. These dates are set apart for me now and I will never forget them. I believe I have a right to be sad. I believe I have a right to grieve our baby that we never got to know. However, I don’t want these dates to always be sad and depressing to me. I want to honor our baby.

It’s fitting that last year Jordan’s due date fell on “Spring Ahead”. It’s so symbolic of what I need to do. When going through a miscarriage (especially after following a season of infertility) it’s so easy to “fall back”. Falling back looks so inviting. Fall is a time when the trees go through an amazing transformation. Their colors change but then they shed their old leaves. They prepare for a season that they will spend cold and bare. When I lost my baby I cried more than I had ever cried in my life. My womb felt even more empty and barren then it had during my infertility. The physical pain paled in comparison to the emotional pain that I felt as my baby was leaving my body. I felt alone, empty, and as bare as the naked trees entering winter.

Although the trees are left bare for the winter, they are not dead. The leaves are dead but the trees are not dead. The leaves that they have shed are gone now, but the tree is still alive! I couldn’t bury myself, although I often felt like I wanted to. I couldn’t give up. Although I felt sadness, although I felt bare…I was still alive. I had my emotional fall. I had my emotional winter. But it can’t stay winter forever. It won’t stay winter just because I want it to. Just because I pull the covers over my head and refuse to be part of the world doesn’t make it stop spinning. When I finally get out of bed and look outside I can see that spring has come and life is still going on. Life is going on. Life. Life. LIFE. It’s out there. It’s all around. Spring is all about life, renewal, growth. I need to live life. I need to spring ahead.

This spring to honor Jordan my husband and I want to give life. Between now and the baby’s miscarriage date in August here are some of the things that we hope to do to give life: plant a tree in the baby’s memory, donate blood, and donate food/supplies to the Humane Society. In doing these things we can help the environment, help people, and help animals.

Mommy and Adaline take a walk on Jordan's "due date" (2011)

If you would like to join us in giving life this spring, leave a comment and let me know what you plan to do.

Related Posts:
*Celebrate Your Name Week: Jordan: Why we named the baby we miscarried
*National Infertility Awareness Week
*Childless Mother: Infertility Poem
*Trying to Conceive: Take 1
*My First Pregnancy
*My Miscarriage
*Trying to Conceive: Take 2
*Trying to Conceive: Take 3 Secondary Infertility

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Celebrate Your Name Week: Jordan

March 6-12 is Celebrate Your Name Week! I figured I’d celebrate by discussing the names of our cast of characters here at Coolest Family on the Block. I told you about how Muppet got his name and how Adaline got her name and why I spell it wrong, and why Cool Daddy’s name is a secret

After almost 5 years of unexplained infertility we got pregnant. Just before 12 weeks I lost the baby. Three months later I got pregnant with Adaline. On the first baby’s due date, 03/14/2009, we “officially” named the baby Jordan Shiloh. (Coincidentally Jordan’s due date fell 2 days after I had my 20 week ultrasound with Adaline and discovered for certain that she was a girl.).

Shortly after finding out we were pregnant with Jordan, Cool Daddy and I were taking a walk and I said, “I’d like us to give the baby a nickname that we can call it until we find out whether it’s a girl or a boy. Any suggestions?” Right away he answered, “Biddle.” and I thought it was great. For the remainder of the pregnancy we called the baby Biddle. After the miscarriage we wanted to give the baby a real name, but we weren’t sure if it had been a boy or a girl. We decided to use a unisex name and Jordan and Shiloh were our favorites. I also liked that Jordan and Shiloh are Biblical place names.

Jordan is the river in the Bible where Jesus was baptized by John the Baptist. It was at Shiloh where Hannah prayed to God to give her a son and it was there where Samuel was later brought to live.

Jordan means “descending, flowing down” and Shiloh means “He who has been sent” and also “safe, peaceful, tranquil”. Together the name means “Descending, flowing down, He who has been sent safely, peacefully, tranquilly.” Quite honestly I didn’t even know that at the time that I picked the names. While having a name with special meaning was important to me, I just wanted to pick a unisex name that I liked the sound of and Jordan and Shiloh were my favorites. Now I think that the name is so fitting. While losing Jordan was one of the most painful experiences of my life (s)he left this world flowing down and had been sent safely, peacefully, and tranquilly to be with his/her Father in heaven.

I still often refer to the baby as “Biddle” since no one ever seems to know who I’m talking about when I say “Jordan”. I’m glad we gave our baby a name, even if we’re the only ones that remember it.

Follow the links below for more information on the names “Jordan” and “Shiloh”.
*Jordan (Male)
*Jordan (Female)
*Jordan: Meaning “descend, flow down”
*Shiloh (Male)
*Shiloh (Female)
*Shiloh: Meaning “peaceful, tranquil”
*Shiloh: Meaning “He who has been sent”
*Shiloh: Meaning “His gift”

Other “Celebrate Your Name Week” Posts:
+How Muppet got his name
+How Adaline got her name
+The meaning of Adaline’s name and why I spell it wrong
+Why Cool Daddy’s Name is a Secret
+The meaning of the name Jennifer: My name 🙂
+Why “Coolest Family on the Block”?: How I picked the blog name

Read The Short Version of our infertility/miscarriage story, or for the whole story read:
*Part 1: Trying to Conceive: Take 1
*Part 2: My First Pregnancy
*Part 3: My Miscarriage
*Part 4: Trying to Conceive: Take 2
*Part 5: Trying to Conceive: Take 3 Secondary Infertility
*Spring Ahead: Reflections on Miscarriage
*Childless Mother: Infertility Poem
*National Infertility Awareness Week

Coolest Family on the Block is committed to helping you find creative ways to have fun and make memories with your family all year-long. Don’t miss an idea, tip, or trick…subscribe and have updates sent directly to your email!

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