Category Archives: Miscarriage

My Mother’s Day Gift

So some people might think that this is a little weird. That’s okay, I’m going to tell you anyway.

When my husband asked me last week what I wanted for Mother’s Day I told him, “Honestly the only thing I really want is a copy of Jordan’s ultrasound.” Jordan was my first pregnancy that I later miscarried. It was a blighted ovum, but we named the baby anyway.

During the miscarriage I had asked several times for a copy of the ultrasound they did the day they told me I was losing the baby. I asked clerks, I asked the OB directly…every time I got the run around. I don’t think they understood what I even wanted it for. To them it was just a picture of an empty sac…and a medical record. But to me, that sac represented my baby. My baby that we had tried 4 ½ years for. Yes, the sac was empty…but that ultrasound was the closest thing to a picture of my baby that I would ever get. I’d pretty much given up hope of getting a copy of it and the thought of asking for it again just stressed me out.

On Wednesday I went shopping with my sister for the day. When I got home hubby wanted to run out and deposit his paycheck. When he got back he handed me the receipt for the deposit and a small manila envelope with his name on it. “What is this?” I asked him. “I don’t know. Open it.” “But it has your name on it. Is this from the credit union?” I asked while I was opening it. “I don’t know, just open it.” I finally opened it up and in there were three copies of the ultrasound 🙂 I thanked him and I teared up and asked him several times “How did you get this?!” and he kept responding, “I’ve got connections.” And to spare you the details…he does have connections 😉

The first two images were during the regular abdominal ultrasound. The sac is the dark ovular hole on the left. The larger hole above it I believe is my bladder.

This image was during the transvaginal ultrasound, again the dark ovular hole in the center is the sac. I was supposed to be 11 weeks and 3 days along, but the sac was empty (blighted ovum 😦 ) and was measuring at only 6 weeks.

So that’s the story about how a 3 ½ year old ultrasound of an empty sac is the best Mother’s Day gift that I could get :).

Happy Mother’s Day!

Related Posts:
*My First Pregnancy
*My Miscarriage
*Spring Ahead: Reflections on Miscarriage
*Celebrate Your Name Week: Jordan: Why we named the baby we miscarried
*Our Infertility Story
*Childless Mother: Infertility Poem

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Posted in Holidays, Infertility, Miscarriage, Mother's Day, Pregnancy

8 Comments

Tags: miscarriage, mother's day

Our Infertility Story: The Short Version

Apr 29

Posted by Jenn Rian

Here’s the short version of the story:
*January 2004:
I stopped taking the birth control pill after a year and three months of use.
*December 2007:
After 3 years 5 months of ttc, an endometrial biopsy, hysterosalpingogram, numerous blood tests, ultrasounds, and home ovulation tests for me and two semen analysis for my husband we’re diagnosed with “unexplained infertility”.
*June 2008:
Start using Crinone progesterone gel for a potential Luteal Phase Defect.
*June 2008:
Got pregnant.
*August 2008:
Miscarried the baby at 11 weeks 5 days. (Blighted ovum)
*November 2008:
Got pregnant again two months later.
*August 2009:
Gave birth to a healthy baby girl, Adaline, via c-section.
The length of time from stopping birth control to the birth of our daughter:
5 years 8 months
*September 2009:
Adaline weaned at 13 months old and we begin trying to conceive again using the Crinone.
*April 2011:
We’re 8 months into trying for another child.
*May 2011:
A blood test reveals that I’m not ovulating.
Started 50mg of Clomid on cycle days 3-7.
Start Crinone 8% on cycle day 15.
*May 27, 2011:
Postive Pregnancy Test! Baby due February 5, 2012!
*February 08, 2012:
Gave birth to a healthy baby boy, Jonathan, via unmedicated vbac.
*PRESENTLY*
We are done adding to our family unless God sees fit to bless us with a child that we aren’t *trying* to have. Our “trying” days are over now. We currently have no plans to adopt because I find motherhood to be very challenging, but we’re open to adopting in the future if we feel God leading us down that path.

*But if you want the whole story read…
+Part 1: The first 4 ½ years of our infertility struggle
+Part 2: My first Pregnancy
+Part 3: My Miscarriage
+Part 4: Conceiving after miscarriage
+Part 5: Secondary infertility after the birth of our daughter
+Part 6: TTC and Treatment for Secondary Infertility
+Part 7: Pregnant after Secondary Infertility

Related Posts:
*National Infertility Awareness Week
*Infertility Myth Busted: Just Relax
*Childless Mother: Infertility Poem
*Spring Ahead: Reflections on Miscarriage
*Celebrate Your Name Week: Jordan: Why we named the baby I miscarried

Posted in Infertility, Miscarriage, Pregnancy

3 Comments

Tags: infertility, miscarriage, secondary infertility, ttc, unexplained infertility

My Miscarriage

Apr 28

Posted by Jenn Rian

April 24-April 30, 2011 is National Infertility Awareness Week and I’ll be sharing my infertility story with you.

Read The Short Version, or for the whole story read:
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, and Part 5

My Miscarriage
*Warning: There is A LOT of talk about blood in this post. I tried to keep it mild, but it is what it is.

My second appointment was scheduled for September 08 when we would get to hear the heartbeat :). On Monday August 25 I woke up with a queasy feeling that you usually get with the onset of a period, so I called off from work that day. I decided to call the dr. to ask about the Crinone since I would be reaching my 12 week mark that Saturday. For the past few days small “chunks” of the Crinone mixed with dark brownish blood would be present when wiping in the morning. When I called and left a voice mail with the dr. office I asked about the Crinone and told them about the tiny bit of blood and asked if we could do an ultrasound (usually they only do one at 20 weeks). A receptionist called me back telling me that the OB said I should take my last Crinone application on my 12 week mark and they scheduled an ultrasound for Thursday 8/28.

Later Monday evening around 6pm I felt a small trickle. I pulled down my pants right there in the kitchen to find a dime size drop of bright red blood on my panties. I went to the toilet and was wiping more of the same kind of blood. My mom called the OB’s emergency line and I got to talk to another OB in the practice. He said that unless I’m bleeding very heavy that the ER would likely not even do an ultrasound and send me back home to wait it out. He asked me many questions and then told me not to worry yet, that sometimes this kind of bleeding happens and nothing is wrong. He said to think positive and he scheduled an ultrasound for the next day. After the initial scare I began to feel much more positive and was looking forward to getting to see my baby on the ultrasound the next day. Within a half hour the bright red blood was gone and by the time I went to bed my pad only had a very small amount of blood on it.

The next day by the time I was at the drs at 11:30am the bleeding had stopped entirely and my pad was completely clean. We went in for the ultrasound on Tuesday August 26 when I should have been 11 weeks 3 days along according to my LMP. I could barely move because I had to pee so bad so the tech told me she’d take a quick look and then have me empty. She did the abdominal ultrasound and said that I did a great job filling up my bladder (yippy, do I get a gold star?!), she pointed out the sac and said that we’d have to go internally to see the baby because it’s still so small.

She had me go to the bathroom to empty completely. Woohoo! I was thrilled because I was so uncomfortable. I peed as much as I could but when she started to do the transvaginal ultrasound she said that my bladder was still too full and sent me to empty again. Okay. She tried the transvaginal ultrasound again, and she again mentioned that my bladder wasn’t empty, but it must’ve been ok because she continued the exam. I found the transvaginal ultrasound painful but I kept quiet through it. She was moving and twisting the wand in all sorts of directions. She didn’t say anything through the whole exam until towards the end when she said that she was coming back out, she mentioned that she took a look at the ovaries and she pointed out the sac again.

(To read the story of how I got copies of these ultrasounds click here)

I went to the bathroom again and there was a small amount of blood mixed with Crinone which I assumed was because she’d been poking around in there. We were told to go to the waiting room.

After a short while we were brought into a room with the same NP that I had for my first prenatal visit. First she asked about the bleeding which I explained to her. Then she told me “It looks like you’re having a miscarriage.” She said that the pregnancy hadn’t progressed since the last time that they saw me, that I was measuring at 6 weeks (when I should be almost 12), that the sac was misshapen and should be round (when the tech pointed out the sac we saw an oval shape), and this is called a blighted ovum when the sac grows, but the baby doesn’t. Then she said something about a “rod”, but my husband and I heard two different things. I thought I heard her say that “All we’re seeing is a rod when we should be seeing a baby by this point.” And my husband thought he heard her say that, “We’re not even seeing a rod when we should be seeing a baby by this point.”

Then she went on to explain what we were to do next. She said that they would send me for an HCG (Quant) test and that I would have one every Monday until the numbers show that the pregnancy hormone has gone down and I’ve completely miscarried. At that point I can make an appointment to speak with the OB and then start trying again after a few cycles. She said to stop taking the Crinone until my cycles were normal again. She said that my upcoming appointment on 9/8 would be canceled but that I could call her with any questions. She said to call if I get a fever, severe abdominal pains, or bleeding worse than a period. She said that it looks as though my body is trying to miscarry and that it was giving us signals with the bleeding. She explained a D&C and said that some women prefer this because they can’t bare the pain of going through the miscarriage naturally. I told her that I didn’t want a D&C and that if this was going to happen I prefer it to happen naturally. She said, “We believe that it is best if your body is able to do it naturally.” Then we left to get the blood test done.

After the ultrasound on 8/26 I continued to bleed. I didn’t experience any pain or cramping although the later in the day that it got the more period symptoms I felt. The pregnancy nausea that I had been having went away about a week prior, but I had assumed it was because I was approaching my second trimester when many symptoms leave anyway. I was still experiencing fatigue and tailbone pain.

On Thursday August 28 at 4am I woke up bleeding heavy. I was having cramps like intense menstrual cramps, although they weren’t unbearable and I’ve felt them before during a period but not often since I’m not usually much of a cramper. Blood was coming out in big clots (almost ping-pong ball size). This bleeding was definitely heavier than a period, I’d never seen or experienced anything like it before. I probably flushed more than 20 times with the toilet full of blood each time and went through a jumbo roll of toilet paper in a few hours. An hour later I woke up my husband and had him call my mom to come over. My mom sat with me on a kitchen chair in the bathroom while I continued to cramp and bleed and cry. By 6:30am it felt like it had slowed down enough to be able to lie back in bed again. I continued to bleed for another week and spot for another week after that. I never saw the sac come out and, yes, I looked for it.

I had an appointment to talk with the OBGYN on September 23. She said that according to the first ultrasound on 8/26 and my low HCG level, she can say with 100% certainty that there is no baby. She did an internal exam and said that my uterus felt like it was almost back to normal size. I requested to have an ultrasound done. I asked her about my weight since I’d gained 8lbs since the beginning of the pregnancy. She pretty much said that it’s just regular weight and has nothing to do with the pregnancy.
(So yay, I have no baby AND I’m getting fat…yippy! 😦 )

Getting fat for no reason

Two days later I had an ultrasound to confirm the miscarriage. There was no baby and the sac was gone. The u/s tech said that it looks like everything is back to normal in there and that all of the “products of conception” were gone. I was obviously upset, but I felt a little better and relieved to know that it was almost over.

I had to go once a week to have blood drawn so that they could monitor my HCG levels. It took a little over a month for the HCG hormone to completely leave my body.
HCG Levels
08/26: 6460.0
09/01: 506.9
09/08: 86
09/15: 28
09/22: 12
09/29: 7.7
10/06: 0

On October 02 I got a call from the doctor. She said that according to the ultrasound the miscarriage looked complete and everything was back to normal. She said that on the ultrasound she also noticed what looks like a cyst near my ovary.

To be continued

Posted in Infertility, Miscarriage, Pregnancy

2 Comments

Tags: blighted ovum, infertility, miscarriage, National Inferitility Awareness Week, pregnancy loss

Pregnant After Infertility: My First Pregnancy

Apr 27

Posted by Jenn Rian

April 24-April 30, 2011 is National Infertility Awareness Week
and I’ll be sharing my infertility story with you.

Read The Short Version, or for the whole story read:
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, and Part 5

My First Pregnancy

In June of 2008 we met with an adoption agency and began filling out paperwork. Two months after the last urology appointment on our 5 year anniversary (after a week of ttc) we decided that I would try taking the Crinone. So on June 21, my suspected day of ovulation that month, we used the Crinone for the first time.

Only a few days later I felt exhausted, was having breast pain, and was a little nauseous. I assumed that it was side effects from the Crinone or perhaps even early PMS symptoms. My period was supposed to come on July 5. That week I didn’t have any spotting like I normally do, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up and assumed that the Crinone was the cause.

When July 5 came and I didn’t start my period I wanted to take a pregnancy test. My husband wanted me to wait another week but since I had read that Crinone could sometime prolong a period I didn’t want to have my hopes up for a week. Although I was hoping that we were pregnant, I really wasn’t expecting to be. At 12:50pm I took a First Response HPT, the directions said to wait 3 minutes for results. I normally sit in the other room to wait, but I wanted to check the test line before leaving the room to be sure the test was okay. Before the test line even showed, the pregnancy line showed immediately with the lighter test line following a second later. We were pregnant!

After some other errands that we had to run that day we picked up more pregnancy tests and took them around 5pm. I took one more First Response test, and two digital Clear Blue Easy tests. Every test showed a positive result within seconds. My husband and I were shocked but thrilled. This would be the first grandchild on both sides of the family and we had been trying for so long. By the time we found out that we were pregnant we had been trying to conceive for 4 1/2 years and were almost 28 and 29 years old. I was exactly 4 weeks along according to my LMP. Once we were certain that we were pregnant we had to stop pursuing the adoption since the agency that we were working with requires your youngest child to be 9 months of age before filing for adoption, we were now ineligible.

I had a physical check up scheduled with my regular doctor that Monday. While there I told her of my positive pregnancy tests and asked if I could have a blood test done. She said that with four positive hpt’s that a blood test was unnecessary and that I should schedule an appointment with my OBGYN.

Prior to my first prenatal appointment I continued to experience fatigue, breast pain, and nausea. I began to experience tailbone pain at a little over 5 weeks. I was gaining weight. The day that we found out I was pregnant I weighed 118.5 lbs, six weeks later I had gained 5 lbs. Woah.

My first prenatal appointment was on Monday August 11, 2008. According to my LMP I was 9 weeks 2 days along. My appointment was with the Nurse Practitioner rather than the OB. She did a pelvic exam and she talked and asked me questions. I had a blood test done that day for Cystic Fibrosis, but no HCG tests or urine samples. I had been experiencing tailbone pain and asked her about it. She said that I was feeling that because my uterus was tilted back pressing against my tailbone. She said that there’s nothing I could do about it and that I could try a chiropractor and hopefully it will go away because it’s (pregnancy/childbirth) very painful for “tailbone girls”.

I wanted to ask exactly when to stop taking the Crinone. Should I take it until exactly my twelve week mark or should I be taking it until 12 weeks 6 days and then stop. However, as soon as I mentioned the Crinone she asked what it was. I told her that it was a progesterone gel and that I had a Luteal Phase Defect. She said, “Well, that’s important to know.” I had assumed that all of this information would be in the chart, but apparently not. She never did answer my question about the Crinone because she seemed so distracted once she found out about it, she began asking me questions instead. She said that I should call and let them know if I experienced any bright red bleeding of at least the size of a quarter or more.

My second appointment was scheduled for September 08 when we would get to hear the heartbeat :). On Monday August 25 around 6pm I felt a small trickle. I pulled down my pants right there in the kitchen to find a dime size drop of bright red blood on my panties.

To be continued

Posted in Infertility, Miscarriage, Pregnancy

Spring Ahead: Reflections on Miscarriage

Mar 14

Posted by Jenn Rian

I wrote and posted this article last year on 3/14/2009 on a personal blog that I decided not to continue. Since I never did anything with that blog and no one got to read it I decided to repost it here. I edited a few things to reflect the passage of time, otherwise the text is unaltered.

March 14, 2009 was the due date for our first baby. I had a miscarriage on August 28, 2008 at 11 weeks and 5 days. During the pregnancy we called the baby Biddle. In 2009 on the baby’s due date I wanted to give the baby a name, just as we would have if he/she would’ve been born that day. We named our baby Jordan Shiloh. If he/she had survived Jordan would be two years old now (although likely with a different name). These “anniversaries” are difficult for me. They are marked with sadness for obvious reasons…but they are also very lonely. No one else remembers Jordan’s due date or miscarriage date or the date we found out that I was pregnant (July 5, 2008). I do. These dates are set apart for me now and I will never forget them. I believe I have a right to be sad. I believe I have a right to grieve our baby that we never got to know. However, I don’t want these dates to always be sad and depressing to me. I want to honor our baby.

It’s fitting that last year Jordan’s due date fell on “Spring Ahead”. It’s so symbolic of what I need to do. When going through a miscarriage (especially after following a season of infertility) it’s so easy to “fall back”. Falling back looks so inviting. Fall is a time when the trees go through an amazing transformation. Their colors change but then they shed their old leaves. They prepare for a season that they will spend cold and bare. When I lost my baby I cried more than I had ever cried in my life. My womb felt even more empty and barren then it had during my infertility. The physical pain paled in comparison to the emotional pain that I felt as my baby was leaving my body. I felt alone, empty, and as bare as the naked trees entering winter.

Although the trees are left bare for the winter, they are not dead. The leaves are dead but the trees are not dead. The leaves that they have shed are gone now, but the tree is still alive! I couldn’t bury myself, although I often felt like I wanted to. I couldn’t give up. Although I felt sadness, although I felt bare…I was still alive. I had my emotional fall. I had my emotional winter. But it can’t stay winter forever. It won’t stay winter just because I want it to. Just because I pull the covers over my head and refuse to be part of the world doesn’t make it stop spinning. When I finally get out of bed and look outside I can see that spring has come and life is still going on. Life is going on. Life. Life. LIFE. It’s out there. It’s all around. Spring is all about life, renewal, growth. I need to live life. I need to spring ahead.

This spring to honor Jordan my husband and I want to give life. Between now and the baby’s miscarriage date in August here are some of the things that we hope to do to give life: plant a tree in the baby’s memory, donate blood, and donate food/supplies to the Humane Society. In doing these things we can help the environment, help people, and help animals.